Writers Block.

 

Imagine if you will a large bottle with a cork in stuffed so hard in it where nothing can get in or out. Inside the bottle is full of words, my heart, letters, numbers, notes, blogposts, books, ideas, memories, feelings amongst other things as well. I've been holding onto it for three years where I've had not idea what to do with it. Each time I feel like I want to share from deep inside my chest, the words and everything gets stuck in my throat unable to go anywhere. It's like a huge invisible hand is holding my throat and another hand covering my mouth up feeling things are trapped inside me. My voice almost lost to myself and everyone around me. Where silence is the new, very uncomfortable norm.

 

This has been me over the last three years with my writer's block. About a month ago I wrote a perfect quote to describe what writer's block is like for me yet now I can't find it anywhere. I'll more than likely find it after I've written this and least expect it. That's how it happens sometimes in life. The unexplainable, mysterious, fascinating and most serendipitous moments when you least expect them... A real synchronicity. There's things that happen in life that happen for a reason. Sometimes the reason isn't apparent at the time yet you will find out later what it is. Yet for me I've had a few ideas why I've had the writers block. 

Some of the reasons have been  that some really big events happened in my life 3 years ago where I lost my voice in a lot of ways. I was taken aback and humbled. A lot of people saw me very raw. I didn't know what to say or how to say things and I needed a huge break from everything. This included all my social media, Facebook profile, my groups, page as well as my blog here with my writing for you all who read this. I could hardly bring myself to looking at any of it. I felt in a sense that I couldn't be any type of spokesperson or role model for anyone in a strange way. It's hard to describe that. I've been needing a whole lot of time to process, think, heal and also grow more as a person. Yet I found myself blocked unable to say anything or come back to things as a writer.

 

Writing takes more courage then you realize.

 I found it comfortable and more safer to be listening to music or behind my mobile phones camera lenses. To observe life from that way with two different cameras and capabilities on each phone. I felt to express myself that way was better for me at the time to capture many different memories and many different things. To capture life like that had more meaning for me where I could see and take things in. As the saying goes "A picture is worth a thousand words." I, in a sense craved some type of privacy and also realized that how as people we are all intertwined with one another. Of also how different actions can affect many different people and communities with their own little ripple effects. Like no man is an island and we all need people in our lives. It is true that more people care about each other then you realize. We all affect other people around us.

 

"There's a fine line between having a break and stopping", Megan Hammond

 

 So with stopping the writing just happened for a break and having me time. An anonymous and private time for myself which was important. I felt as if I had nothing to say or contribute to my friends, family, the Asperger's or ASD community or society. 

Since I had my book published in 2010 and has been out there for the last 15 years has been a huge thing for me in so many different ways and on so many different levels. Also the 3 to 5 years before that of starting to write my book in the writing course then group was very huge for me in ways that I couldn't imagine. For me as a very private and shy person I only opened myself up so that I could help other people on the spectrum, their families, friends, people in the community, schools and society in general. So in fact it's been at least 18 to 20 years since I've been "Out There" being a voice and in some sense an example of a woman living with Asperger's or ASD as well as other conditions. During that time I've never claimed that my life has been perfect and that I had all the answers to everything. I shared when I was in a couple to three of serious relationships because I loved and cared for them wanting to show our happiness together. There has been so many different challenges, obstacles, surprises, health issues and life's ups and downs with a whole lot of growth. Come to think of it 18 to 20 years is really quite a long time in the scheme of things. All in all so many things have happened....

 

I've been trying to find my voice again...

Yet in the last month or so a couple of different things have happened and come up for me to confront my silence and my writers block where I haven't really expected it. Life has made a couple of unexpected turns which I think that I've needed.

The first one was a Christian women's event at a local church with a Christian author called Jo-Anne Berthelsen who as it turns out I had actually met 15 years ago when my book was first released. We first met at a Christian women's conference where we both had our book stores set up outside. So through the course of the weekend we spoke about quite lot of things together. I think we exchanged details and I would sometimes see what she was doing with her writing. 

As it so happens this beautiful lady of God was invited to speak at of all places my local church. I invited my Mum along and she came as well to see her as my Mum is a very well established writer within her own right. So my Mum hadn't come to a church event for 20 odd years or so and to have Mum right by my side meeting people I know meant so much to me. With this Christian writer Jo-Anne speak was so very moving for me in so many different ways because I found that it was also inspiring me. After the talk I brought Mum up to meet her and I told her how we met 15 years ago. Jo-Anne was really surprised yet eventually remembered me which was nice. I also introduced her to my Dear Mum as well. We had a talk and reconnected again which meant so much to me because I could catch up with her. Also I had a long talk with another lovely Christian women who was helping Jo-Anne with selling her books. As it so happens this ladies son has Asperger's and it was very interesting how we had a sudden connection there. I know that on my way back home I was very moved in so many ways by how life can be full of surprises when you least expect it.

The second one was a very different one as well. Someone who I really like and care for shared how she was getting brain fog and was having trouble with writing an assessment which was due. In my few texts to her I conveyed my empathy and told her how I've writers block in the past and having trouble writing in the past. So I could basically can understand her in a sense. I didn't tell her that I'd written a book and had a deadline for that. Yet it got me thinking seriously about my writing or lack there of it lately. I thought instead of trying to help her I had to be honest with myself and look at how I could work it out for myself with starting to write again. I didn't want to be a hypocrite saying one thing when I didn't do it myself. So in a sense she helped inspire me to start writing again as well. When I was looking through quotes online I was looking at quotes for the both of us. In one of my last texts to her I did admit that I've got writer's block myself. I always think honesty is the best policy when it comes to communicating to other people. 

So with the help of these two different and separate events is what has lead you to reading these words on this page that I have written. These few words are going to be the first of many, many more in trying to find my voice again. Not just for me yet for you the reader and everyone out there to share with you that you are not alone in any way, shape or form...