Monday, October 25, 2010
Predators And Sharks!!
"Look there's a shark in the water!!" Someone yells loudly to the surf patrol.
On the beach all the alarms and systems in place goes into overdrive to care for the safety of all the beach goers. Everyone's out of the water quick smart and they all know what the predator is. They know what it looks like and how it behaves as well as it's nature.
Yet in real life no one can tell in humans which one is a predator because they don't look like sharks. You don't know what they look like or when they will come next in your life. For me having Asperger's I am blind to what people are really like and what they are really wanting. They can take advantage of my confused and vulnerable side using me when I don't even realise it. I may think that they are very nice to me yet behind my back who knows what they could be saying or doing? Who knows what they are really thinking of feeling about me?
Over the past week a few things have happened that have really scared me, whacked me for a six and brought a a few past issues for me. I feel like that I have taken a hundred steps back and let myself big time with my stupidity and not listening to my gut feelings. I listened to another person instead who isn't a good influence for me and is trouble with a capital "T". In the past she has been very troublesome for me in many different ways which has really confused and hurt me. Because of my Christian upbringing I've been taught to forgive people and give them another chance. I've been taught to try to see the good side in people and to be there for my friends and family. Like if someone needs to talk or need help in some way...then help them. Not to abandon them because I know what it feels like when people have abandoned and hurt me in the past when I've really needed them.
Yet what really gets me is that some or most people aren't like me and do not have pure and honorable intentions. Also that most often people in the bar, pub, RSL, club and drinking scene they are totally different from me. When they see me I stick out like a sore thumb...a target on my back and very easy prey for them. I've known and met many people like that because of certain reasons and in the past have stopped seeing most of them. Yet there have been a few who manage to weedle or sneak there way back in or that I've gone back and seen again even when I decided not to. It's really strange because with a lot of people I've broken off contact with people yet for some unknown reason they've contacted me and they say things and I think they have changed...Yet each time I see them it just sets me back ten thousand fold and I feel so stupid afterwards. The other day I had a huge wake-up call and it's been like a lightening bolt hit through my body. I've been feeling sick, sad and disgusted at myself because of how blind I can be even after many years. I have decided that with a few people that I can no longer have anything to do with them because it is to dangerous and detrimental for my health and safety. It not only affects me.... yet my partner and my family as well. I do not want to put them at risk or have things affect them also.
It is going to take me quite a while to heal, process and get over a lot of different issues. It's the same with the ones I care for because all this has worried them also which has been hard and annoying for them. At the moment I have to take baby steps for myself because emotionally and in a lot of ways it feels that I have fallen of from a huge height to the ground and waking up to myself up. Today with this blog update I've decided to talk about something serious for me dealing with my life with Aspergers. I would also love to hear your feedback on this also. so please feel free to leave a comment. Thankyou!