5:19am, 17th May 2022
copyright Megan Hammond
When I first heard this song under these words it struck a real chord with me. It was open, honest and totally raw. At home I really liked the song and ones set of words which really stuck out to me were these ones here:
"You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek"
When I heard those words that song was on instant repeat because for me it was a totally new way of thinking and feeling about our prayers also praying. It rang so true for me because each tear can be a silent prayer to our awesome God who is always listening and hearing.
From Canberra as I was taking that very long, lonely, dangerous, stressful night time extremely early morning. The time I went missing. This song never rang more true big time.
As I was listening to the whole album again songs were jumping out at me and some I had on repeat to trying to stay awake. I brave face with a smile had totally gone and my mask had been thrown away totally. I said "Goodbye" once and for all leaving the final bit of past down in Canberra once and for all where it belongs.. That part of my life was now totally over once and for all. In my heart of hearts with God's help I had to do the right thing... I also had to do it to help with my new relationship and have nothing holding me back. I was free from that baggage at last forever and at last final.
I'm don't think I'll ever share online publicly on my blog post everything that I did on those days for it is so very painful and private. Yet I will share little snippets just to try to help other's who may be in similar situations to mine.
Little did I know what was awaiting me as I got back to Sydney yet as I was driving back in the early hours sick to the stomach I was listening to this Mandisa album. Everything was coming up for me both physically and emotionally. What I ate and drank came up along with trying to process my all my overwhelming emotions. Everything from numbing, power of concentration, reflection and all the different emotions under this full moonlit sky were there. A lot of the time the road reminded me of several movies that I have seen where it just shows the road and the headlights shining onto it. Now it thinking about it reminds me of the journey of life.
Those early morning driving hours gave me a whole lot of time to think yet at every service stations I was sick and things going through me in more ways then one. I was essentially by myself with the only constant friend that I've ever had since before I was born and that was God. In saying all that I had no idea what was to befall me and happen to me when I got back to my unit. I'm only accounting how I felt at this particular moment in time. The rest may yet still be another blog post if ever I'm ready to share some of it.
For me and all my family, friends and everyone I know this is still very raw and we a processing this in our own ways an times to which..... I TOTALLY RESPECT!!!
I did not get back home under my own strength yet with the power of God and prayers and certain songs on this CD which I was listening to.