Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dealing With My Depression

Over the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more depressed because of a few reasons. Each day seemed to be getting worse until last week on Tuesday night it got to be totally unbearable. Also my parents have been away for the past couple of weeks with their work which can't be avoided. What was more annoying was you can't contact their mobile phone over there. I texted my brother who was busy until after Easter which wasn't good. Also I texted this christian family who happened to be overseas in New Zealand on holidays. All types of thoughts were going through my head that I hadn't had in a long time and they were scaring me a lot.

I was alone in my unit trying to keep it together yet couldn't for what ever reasons. As a last ditch effort to reach out I remembered my ex who once said that if needed I could contact. Yet at the same time my ex for whatever reason has decided no contact with me. So I swallowed my pride and sent a text early in the morning to say how bad I really was and needed someone to talk to. I was hoping to get a phone-call back so I wouldn't feel so alone. Yet no phone-call or text message came and I felt even more alone then ever.

Not only had I lost my ex yet I have lost the friendship as well which has been hurting like hell. For five years of knowing each-other it is like I have lost my best friend whom I have ever had.
I've been trouble understanding it and my Asperger's has been getting in the way as well. It feels like a death and I have been floundering... I hate the thought of not seeing some-one that I care for never ever again. I was brought up to believe that good friends can always work things out no matter what! For me "Anne Of Green Gables" really strikes a chord with me of how close Anne and her friend Dianna are like 'Kindred Spirits'. For me it was like my friend and I were like awesome kindred spirits. It was like we were a real blessing for one another in a lot of ways.

I wonder if having Asperger's you feel things more deeply when it has to do with losing people who were really close to you. Or trying to understand loss and grief? I know that I really do appreciate people like the friendship I've lost. Also there a some other people who I feel close to also but it is rare for me. At the moment I feel like I can't really trust people any more and I don't want to get hurt again. It feels like there's a person shaped hole in my heart where this friendship once was. Can anyone else identify with feelings like that? At the moment I'm having trouble dealing with my depression yet I'm still trying to step forward everyday. I know that this post doesn't really have any answers yet it is just the way I've been feeling at the moment....For a while I've been thinking about doing a post of or called "Loss Of A Friendship!" yet been in two minds.... I suppose this is the closet as I have got to it. Yes sometimes I feel it is better to let things out then to hold things in....So I hope that this does help some how in someway that it can be good to say things the way they are.....
Until next time.......Cheers and take care!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Happy Birthday Cam!!

Twas my brother Cameron's birthday on Saturday 9th April. On that day I didn't get to see him because he was away with his girlfriend Rachael doing romantic things. So I did what I normally do on birthdays and that is ringing him up singing "Happy birthday to you......etc."

What was funny this time I was walking around a DVD shop trying to choose a DVD to hire. It felt strange not seeing my brother yet just to talk to him meant a whole lot to me. Yet over the weekend we all decided to meet up on the Monday night to meet up in Glebe for dinner. The menu of the night was Mexican at "The Fajita Sister's" which had a wall of pain even! Not what some of you may be thinking yet referring to the range of heat of their different chilli sauces.

For a Monday night it was packed out and the staff mucked up our reservation for a table of five so we all squeezed into a four seater upstairs which was quieter. We all managed to hear ourselves really well even though I was touching knees with my brother and the table.

After that we still decided to have a Spanish type of flavour and walk to "San Churro's" down the road and had dessert there. Although Rachael My brothers girlfriend had a mint flavoured very sweet hot chocolate. Instead of walking out of there we all nearly rolled out with everything that we ate. Outside near my parents car birthday presents were given yet I couldn't give anything to my brother as of yet but told him I'll give him something next time I saw him. The reason being is he's a bit hard to buy for. I also did take a few photos that night yet haven't uploaded them yet onto my computer.

With fond farewells we send our goodbyes to each-other after such a great shared evening celebrating my brothers birthday. He's changed a lot since we were little kids and gets embarrassed when i want to give him another hug "Goodbye". But the way I see it is he's my brother and I love him a lot. I also feel that it is really important to show the people you care for them because you don't know what is going to happen in life. But for my brother Cam... I wish you the best year yet and having loads of fun times with Rachael!! Farewell for now all!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Say "Cheese!!!"

For the past eight weeks I've been doing a part~time digital photography course which has been held on Saturdays. It was being run through TAFE for three hours each week between the times of 9:30am to12:30pm. We finished today and I'm so proud of myself for completing it and only missing one lesson. I'll be showing more photos in the future for you... So here is a few examples of the work I've taken over the past weeks.