Saturday, April 18, 2020


 18/4/2020  2:12A.M.
Imagine A World

Imagine a world
In the near distant future
With no touch allowed
Where distance is the norm
Where tears are unseen
And cries remain unheard
People move away from one another
When you move close your frowned upon
Plastic shields up everywhere
Hand sanitizer, gloves and masks to shop
Getting home wiping items down
Your a leper amongst people...
Both known and unknown
Family and friends alike
Suspicion is everywhere
With a cloud of silent deadly fear
Against a small fatal killer
Spread across the world
Modern day Pandemic
Looking into phones the new handshake
Screentime a hundred percent overdrive
The need to connect 
Deeper then ever
Yet socially distanced..
More like socially isolated
Living alone with me, myself & I
Alone and lonely
No hugs or affection for me
I know people care for me
A screen can't replace a hug
The distance is deeper
Where I'm in a city of people
With touch banned
The starvation is killing me
Weeks of no hugs
No nothing
Never have I felt more lonely
Then over the past few weeks
I love God...
Yet I need any type of physical touch
Surreal slow motion afternoon
The realization hit me like lightening...
Three weeks without any hug 
Or touch from anybody or living thing I know
Tonight is a long night
Where I wish it was a nightmare
Then I realize it's real
Where nothing makes sense
 In this crazy new world
Whoever thought a hug or touch would be a crime?
Only today
Only today
Only tomorrow
Only the future...


This afternoon have I never ever felt so lonely then going to my local Chemist Warehouse to get a script filled and seeing all the new social distancing there. Big signs and hand sanitizer at the door being handed out. I then left there carefully went to the toliet in the shopping centre there and sat outside for a bit. As I had my cigarette it felt the weight of the world was on my heart and I knew what the true meaning of loneliness was. I felt like going up to someone and touching them in an appropriate way of course. I felt like helping someone. I felt like smiling at someone who needed it. When I could I did try to smile at people and say thankyou. I felt like asking someone a complete stranger for a hug.  I went to Coles did some shopping I needed then I found myself still walking around in a daze trying to remember what I needed. The drive home I chose the quieter and quicker streets because of the state I was in. Reaching home I definitely NOW DID UNDERSTAND how my heart could actually ache so deeply just to be held. With a tension headache to match I walked inside into my unit and it's four walls to greet me.

  As with everyone I have really been feeling it with this COVID19 / Corona Virus stuff. I've tried to reach out to people yet at the same time be there for people as well. On Facebook I've started a  group called Virtual Hugs For COVID 19/ Corona Virus Times. I just wanted to spread the love and care out there for those that need it because I know how hard it can get living alone. I also sent texts to people to make sure that they were okay as well. I also contacted a few dear, special Christian friends who've haven't really responded that well. I don't know what I've done wrong and it's really confusing. I'm sorry if I've done something wrong without realizing it. I would just love to get it sorted out because I miss them greatly. I miss all my friends greatly and I feel like that I am ON THE OUTER of the circles. Thre still could be other Christian people meeting up in person and it is absolutley breaking my heart. We're meant to be the body of Christ and now more then ever we have to stick together as one and uphold also support eachother as a family. There's a lot of things that I don't understand with my Asperger's and it's so bloody confusing with the double standards sometimes of things.

I've been listening to this beautiful song called " Dreamer" by Toni Childs while writing this.


13 11 14

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Thursday, January 23, 2020

A New Diagnosis For Me.

Hello there everyone. You've more than likely noticed that I have been very quiet on "My Life With Asperger's" blog, Facebook page and group. I've been quiet for several different reason's and some have been quite complicated and hard as well. I've been wanting to write on my blog for a long time yet haven't really known how to even start...
I'm starting now because I feel it is important to speak up and help destigmatize a few things which are important. This has been a long and complicated story yet it is my story..
So here it is:
Something happened in September last year in 2019 which really scared me. I was lucky to get out of it without anything worse happening to me luckily. Yet after that I went downhill in a lot of ways and really fast. In early December my treating Doctor officially diagnosed me with PTSD.
If any of you have read my book "My Life With Asperger's" then you know my history of my story.    For those of you that don't know then a long story short is back in my 20's I was involved in a very toxic and very abusive relationship. Domestic violence hit me in the face literally and it hit me for a six. There were a few times where I thought that I would die and feared for my life. Saying that I wasn't perfect either as with most relationships. I acted in ways that I didn't think that I could.. Yet it was mainly out of fear.
 So since that relationship for many, many years until today I was getting flashbacks, triggers, memories, nightmares, avoiding places etc... I also still feel a lot of shame and guilt as well because I kept on going back. I did stupid things because I believed that we could work things out. It was like a battered wife syndrome kind of relationship. I still can't believe that I was in such a relationship. During the relationship I was called a slut and so many other abusive words. Yet a couple of years after I learned that my partner with whom I was living with actually was seeing one or two people behind my back. Basically since my early 20's with that relationship I have been living with undiagnosed PTSD. Also luckily throughout the years I have never run into her anywhere. If I ran into her somewhere I would probably have a heart attack, faint or something. I wouldn't know what to do with myself at all.
After this relationship I was never the same again. I can't describe it yet a part of me has been lost or stolen in more ways then one. The after effects have affected every part of my life in countless ways..
So that's what's happened to me in the last couple of months...