"Look there's a shark in the water!!" Someone yells loudly to the surf patrol.
On the beach all the alarms and systems in place goes into overdrive to care for the safety of all the beach goers. Everyone's out of the water quick smart and they all know what the predator is. They know what it looks like and how it behaves as well as it's nature.
Yet in real life no one can tell in humans which one is a predator because they don't look like sharks. You don't know what they look like or when they will come next in your life. For me having Asperger's I am blind to what people are really like and what they are really wanting. They can take advantage of my confused and vulnerable side using me when I don't even realise it. I may think that they are very nice to me yet behind my back who knows what they could be saying or doing? Who knows what they are really thinking of feeling about me?
Over the past week a few things have happened that have really scared me, whacked me for a six and brought a a few past issues for me. I feel like that I have taken a hundred steps back and let myself big time with my stupidity and not listening to my gut feelings. I listened to another person instead who isn't a good influence for me and is trouble with a capital "T". In the past she has been very troublesome for me in many different ways which has really confused and hurt me. Because of my Christian upbringing I've been taught to forgive people and give them another chance. I've been taught to try to see the good side in people and to be there for my friends and family. Like if someone needs to talk or need help in some way...then help them. Not to abandon them because I know what it feels like when people have abandoned and hurt me in the past when I've really needed them.
Yet what really gets me is that some or most people aren't like me and do not have pure and honorable intentions. Also that most often people in the bar, pub, RSL, club and drinkin
g scene they are totally different from me. When they see me I stick out like a sore thumb...a target on my back and very easy prey for them. I've known and met many people like that because of certain reasons and in the past have stopped seeing most of them. Yet there have been a few who manage to weedle or sneak there way back in or that I've gone back and seen again even when I decided not to. It's really strange because with a lot of people I've broken off contact with people yet for some unknown reason they've contacted me and they say things and I think they have changed...Yet each time I see them it just sets me back ten thousand fold and I feel so stupid afterwards. The other day I had a huge wake-up call and it's been like a lightening bolt hit through my body. I've been feeling sick, sad and disgusted at myself because of how blind I can be even after many years. I have decided that with a few people that I can no longer have anything to do with them because it is to dangerous and detrimental for my health and safety. It not only affects me.... yet my partner and my family as well. I do not want to put them at risk or have things affect them also.It is going to take me quite a while to heal, process and get over a lot of different issues. It's the same with the ones I care for because all this has worried them also which has been hard and annoying for them. At the moment I have to take baby steps for myself because emotionally and in a lot of ways it feels that I have fallen of from a huge height to the ground and waking up to myself up. Today with this blog update I've decided to talk about something serious for me dealing with my life with Aspergers. I would also love to hear your feedback on this also. so please feel free to leave a comment. Thankyou!
What a courageous and honest post, Megan. You're OK!
ReplyDeleteI linked to this from my Facebook account. I wrote this in regards to it, "In some ways I am glad that I can relate to this. In other ways, I wish that I couldn't. I have been taken advantage of too many times, but I really don't want to change. I would rather be the dupee than the duper and I would rather stay naive than to become cynical."
ReplyDeleteBest wishes, Megan. Be true to you.
Serena
I also have AS, and as such, know exactly what you are talking about when it comes times to listening to the wrong people. There's one person whom I absolutely love as a friend, but she is one hell of a manipulator and her advice ensures conflict. Yet I still go to her. Sometimes I feel like an idiot going to her. But she still has been a wonderful friend, just not a great advisor. If you read my blog (I'm posting this from my livejournal), you can see that I've struggled with that as well. Also, I have had five funerals in the last 3 years and the first one was for someone who was like a surrogate mother to me. That caused me to initially reach out to people who were not the greatest sources of solace and comfort. Then I went to school the next day. Private Christian school with a ton of really close friends. Still haven't gotten my life back on track though.
ReplyDeletetake care Megan. thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIts why i dont trust people and dont have a lot of social skills or graces....people are people and that is the reason for most problems today...Having AS made me a victim as a child and into my adult hood, now that i know i have it, i embrace it, and refuse to let people destroy me.
ReplyDeleteWow! I just wrote about something similar to this this morning, I find it ironic that I read your post today. I did not go into deep detail and I focused on my misinterpretation of people's actions and words but I have several other posts that talk about my abuse and being naive to the motives of others. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteLike Serena I am comforted that I can relate and I am also disturbed by it. I wish I could say that the Christians in my life have been a comforting source but more so than not they have been the manipulators. I find that very unfortunate. Here is my post if you would like to give it a read.
http://www.mindretrofit.com/2010/11/01/misinterpreting/
My son has Asperger's and he never knows when he is being taken advantage of, and he never will know. It just isn't in his capacity..he can not read body language, and he doesn't pick up on glances and voice changes. He is a total innocent and gives the same people chance after chance to hurt and be mean to him. I am a little surprised that you know after the fact when you have been taken advantage of, my son never knows, so he is always vulnerable to the same people.
ReplyDeleteHi Megan
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog and “Predators & Sharks” certainly left an impression. I know very little about Asperger’s, other than the daughter of a close friend has it, so there is no way I can tell how this makes you feel. However, from reading your blog it’s clear that there are many positive things about you personally and about your life. I shall try to summarise my thoughts and reactions to what you said.
I believe all people have the same doubts and worries about how we are perceived by others and the vast majority of us have a very natural inclination to be trusting of those that we meet in our lives. Perhaps that’s a naïve view that can lead us in to trouble but it is also part of the make-up of being a decent human being. I also think that everyone we come in to contact with during our life teaches us something and that even the not-so-good experiences give us a better insight and understanding of ourselves. That seems to have worked very well for you. Perhaps if we look at it this way - but cautiously and very carefully – then maybe even the ‘sharks’ do contribute something positive to our lives.
With All Best Wishes,
Ken
P.S. Please say “Hi” to Mum & Dad