Reflections

I woke up this morning with a very distinct sense and feeling which has made me think. It's like I have been stopped in my tracks and been confronted with the past. A past that I walked away from a couple of years ago for my own health. I don't talk about God and my Christianity in my blog that much I don't think yet I have a personal faith also relationship with God. God has protected me all my life and throughout all my years even though I've been stubborn as well. I've given my parents, family, friends and my Guardian Angel many nearly heart attacks. If it wasn't for God I wouldn't be here today..... I would have been dead at least 10 times over. Also how with My Asperger's I've put myself in very potentially dangerous situations without realizing or understanding it at all. I may be intelligent yet when it comes to people reading skills I am not good at all. This is one of the times I find having Asperger's annoying...

When I saw my Mum yesterday on our girls day or afternoon out we spoke about many different things. I was also telling her how Debbie my partner had only just finished reading my book a day or two before. Deb liked my book and found it very moving indeed. We were reflecting on past times in my life and our families life as well as the writing of my book. Even with me writing my book there were a few things that my Mum didn't find out about me until she read it. I was also telling her how great Deb is for me and how much she means to me. It's such a blessing that Deb and I share a Christian faith and it means so much to me. Talking with my Mum it brought back home the fact how far I've actually come along with God's help even with all the silly mistakes I've done in the past because of whatever reasons.

Last night when Deb and I got home from work I took her to a place to eat where there are memories for me. We also caught up with someone I hadn't seen in many months which was interesting. I thought I'd be alright yet a couple of things were coming up for me which I found hard. There were also a couple of other people that we bumped into as well which I hadn't seen in a very long time. Talking to them I was getting lightbulb moments where I was re- realizing and remembering different things. It is really hard for me to put it into words and to express it yet the best way to describe it is.... There are some things that aren't really for me and I've tried to fit in yet it has never worked. I've bowed down to peer type of pressure things instead of standing up for myself. Last night I found I had a new type of different type of strength on some things and it was like I was seeing them in my eyes which weren't blinded anymore. Yes sure I have my weakness's like everyone else and in no way am I perfect. It was like I was kind of revisiting my past and seeing how far I've come along. I'm so grateful to God for all the work and care he's put into me and has always been there for me no matter what came along. This may not make much sense to you my readers yet it makes big sense to me very big time.

I saying to Mum yesterday and Deb last night... "There is no way I can change the past... Yet I can change the present and future because I have learnt"
That about sums it up for me... So here's a bit of food for thought for you all.... May God be with you...

Robert Hughes Drama

Sexual Abuse Doesn't Discriminate!

Over the past few weeks to a couple of months the trial of that 'Hey Dad' actor Robert Hughes has been constantly been in the media and the news that it has been so annoying... Also I saw on the news the other night how two teenage girls were raped near Fairfield during the day of all times in a park. Most often when I watch the news I'm doing stuff on my computer, falling asleep or other things to keep myself distracted from all the bad stuff on it. I've noticed that if things start affecting me I do something else or other especially with the trial of Robert Hughes which has been so unbelievable it's not funny. I've had quite a few other things going on for me because over the past few weeks I have been so majorly depressed that I've not known what to do. Yet with the Robert Hughes trial I found my own history and past coming up when I least expected it too.

Also with my  Asperger's sometimes I find things quite overwhelming in a lot of different way. Ye seeing on the news that he has been found guilty and then the next night on 'A Current Affair' the interview with the old cast and how it affected them.. Sure I missed the first couple of minutes yet to watch it was very emotional and moving because the girls involved finally got justice after 25 to 30 odd years or so... I'm going to include some links for you overseas people to get the gist of what happened... https://au.news.yahoo.com/entertainment/a/22446785/robert-hughes-trial-former-hey-dad-star-found-guilty-of-sexually-abusing-girls-in-1980s/

Also the 'A Current Affair' thing.... It comes in four parts I think... http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827547/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-1

Part 2. http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827545/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-2

Part3. http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827544/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-3

Part 4. http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827540/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-1

'Hey Dad' show information... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Dad..!

So the show was a show of the 1980's in Australia and it was around when I was growing up as well. For me seeing all this stuff in the past few months as well as the good old Rolf Harris I think being charged as well has been quite hard and interesting.. It has also brought up things which I thought that I had already dealt with years ago. Even after writing my book I thought I was alright or good with it.. Well what happened me was I've been abused by two separate guys on two occasions. I'm not going into details because I've written it my book and I was discussing it with a professional just this morning yet I'll just go into the basics.

The first happened when I was about 3 and a half years old where my parents luckily caught what was happening.... What was really ironic and really weird the guy put on a record of the good old Rolph Harris just as he was doing it... I think the song was 'Jake The Peg'. So little did I know that 25 to 35 years later he's got caught himself doing stuff with little kids...

The second time was at a christian combined church camp with an adult male from the other church and I was only 13 at the time. It was on along weekend as well. The abuse happened twice that weekend which was horrible... I wasn't raped and it was only minor as my parents say. Yet it still did affect me greatly and I don't know why.

The third time I'm not sure about because it was a repressed memory prayer therapy thing and it supposedly happened when I was about 2 years old with another guy. So with that one I have no idea whether or not it did happen. Yet with other 2 they did happen and I remember them...

There's other bits of the story which I don't want to go into as with most things like this it can be quite complicate trying to deal with all this stuff. Yet with the guys or men who abused me they were never reported to the law or police and thus quite successfully got away with it scott free without a care in the world... They never got charged, questioned, interviewed or all that stuff yet still continue to roam this earth free of charge which isn't fair... One of the things that really, really gets me is what if they've done it to other small children over the past however many years and today they maybe continuing to ruin the innocence of beautiful kids. With one of the guys he was surrounded by all these kids who went to church with their families and all the time in the world there where he could've groomed them and do the things abusers do..  Who knows how many of those kids are or have suffered in silence if or when they got abused.. There are all these different, complicated feelings, thoughts and questions which are still valid even today... All these things have been haunting me lately and it has been horrible... I also saw on Facebook last night that another woman is having trouble dealing with issues brought up from this Robert Hughes trial. So I've been figuring that if it hasn't been just me trying to deal with this then other women must be going through similar things as well.. I remember posting info about the trial etc.. on my Facebook also then posting afterward words to the effect of "I saw this very haunting and moving interview last night. If this trial and all the media press coverage on it over the past few weeks brought anything up for people from the past or present... Please don't hesitate to seek help.... You don't have to deal with this alone...."

I'm also saying this now because of this blog post because it could bring issues up for you... Yet pleas remember you are not alone... Sure when I was talking to the professional today and he was asking me a few questions etc... I felt ashamed, guilty and asking myself how I could have stopped it etc.... It was like I was almost like a little kid sitting inside an adults body if you get me...  What has surprised me the most with this is how things have been brought up after so many years. It's not we who should be feeling guilty and shameful yet the perpetrators. One day I hope they will get their justice somehow.... Also by talking out in our recoveries and not being quiet we will hopefully shed light over the darkness of this nation of Australia then eventually the world... No child or person has to live in fear... I want this to be true one day in my lifetime....

Here's some more links if this has brought up things for you...

Adult Survivors Of Abuse

http://laurelhouse.org.au/?page_id=10

http://rainn.org/get-info/effects-of-sexual-assault/adult-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse 

http://aaets.org/article120.htm 

Anxiety And Depression Fact Sheets

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/signs-and-symptoms/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10 

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/depression/whatitslike.cfm 

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/Depression/depressionexplained/index.cfm 

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/signs-and-symptoms 

I've given you a lot of info and hopefully you will find it useful..... Remember you are not alone... No matter what...