Dealing With The Last 6 Months

 Hello there my dear Friends. I've now had my bad chronic pain for 6 months and still the Doctor's have no idea what's causing it... Tomorrow on Wednesday 10th March I've got the very long awaited specialist Pain Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. I've been waiting since November last year and accidentally missed the January appointment because I got the day's mixed up. So 4 months waiting basically. My Mum is also going to be coming with me to the appointment with me at the SAN Hospital room's which is great. I'm really hoping and praying that he has some idea of what's causing the pain and to fix it or make it go away for good. I'm so very scared that I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life and I don't want to do that.. I'M SO SCARED that I'll have this bad pain for the rest of my life. I can't imagine dealing with it for years upon years. It feels like that I've been in a huge timewarp, limbo type of thing where my whole life has been on pause. I've had to defer my TAFE studies, having leave from my volunteer job and also my part time/casual job with the dog's. There is so much that I can't do anymore and it's so bloody frustrating. I've had to somehow adapt to so many different things trying to deal with it on a hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute basis to day by day or very short term goals type of thing. I can only do things just a short distance away to where I live... When I drive I'm on weak pain tablets because I don't want to be drowsy when I drive. Then I go home and take some strong pain killers because I'm exhausted dealing with the pain and need to rest for a while. My Doctor has me on an extremely low dose of those painkillers which is hard.. When the painkillers wear off and the pain hits then the days and nights get extremely long.

I wake up several times a night in pain, heat up my heatpack, put music on etc.... I have learnt a few ways of trying to deal with it. Yet it is so debilitating and exhausting that you can't even imagine. My PTSD has also been playing up a whole lot lately as well.  I've also got another specialist Doctors appointment on the 23rd of April that will potentially lead to still more tests to try to find the cause... Please keep my family and I in your prayers at the moment big time... My parent's are really worried as well... I would really do appreciate it so much... Also THANKYOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ALL THE PRAYERS already and the love, care, understanding and support over the last 6 months... I appreciate it so much... 🙏🤗🛐❤⛪💒🙏🤗🛐⛪💒❤

Joe Jonas - See No More

For some reason this song really resonates with me today.... It's struck cords for me for the last few months and describes me at the moment. At the moment I find it hard to write about how I'm really feeling for some reason.

It's like the words I wrote the other night on Facebook saying "Sometimes words can not be found on a page... Yet they can be found in a heart."

You may have the feeling yet are somehow stuck.. somehow are there for no reason of their own.

The limbo land is messing with your head. Having Asperger's Syndrome makes it harder in these types of situations. Where you don't up from down... Left from right...

Some people have said thing a while ago about my ex that has really beein messing with my head as I don't know if they are true or not... It's a mystery that I can't work out...

Untitled

Sometimes saying nothing hurts

Silence is worse than words sometimes

This limboland 

Which only goes to no-where'sville.

Stuck between a rock & a hard place

Set me free

Communication is best

To let me know

What's going on.

A bird waitng

To fly & find it's wings

Once again

I can see the sky

Yet stuck on the ground

So we shall see what happens.... 

ddd

Robert Hughes Drama

Sexual Abuse Doesn't Discriminate!

Over the past few weeks to a couple of months the trial of that 'Hey Dad' actor Robert Hughes has been constantly been in the media and the news that it has been so annoying... Also I saw on the news the other night how two teenage girls were raped near Fairfield during the day of all times in a park. Most often when I watch the news I'm doing stuff on my computer, falling asleep or other things to keep myself distracted from all the bad stuff on it. I've noticed that if things start affecting me I do something else or other especially with the trial of Robert Hughes which has been so unbelievable it's not funny. I've had quite a few other things going on for me because over the past few weeks I have been so majorly depressed that I've not known what to do. Yet with the Robert Hughes trial I found my own history and past coming up when I least expected it too.

Also with my  Asperger's sometimes I find things quite overwhelming in a lot of different way. Ye seeing on the news that he has been found guilty and then the next night on 'A Current Affair' the interview with the old cast and how it affected them.. Sure I missed the first couple of minutes yet to watch it was very emotional and moving because the girls involved finally got justice after 25 to 30 odd years or so... I'm going to include some links for you overseas people to get the gist of what happened... https://au.news.yahoo.com/entertainment/a/22446785/robert-hughes-trial-former-hey-dad-star-found-guilty-of-sexually-abusing-girls-in-1980s/

Also the 'A Current Affair' thing.... It comes in four parts I think... http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827547/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-1

Part 2. http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827545/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-2

Part3. http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827544/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-3

Part 4. http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article/8827540/the-cast-of-hey-dad-break-their-silence-part-1

'Hey Dad' show information... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Dad..!

So the show was a show of the 1980's in Australia and it was around when I was growing up as well. For me seeing all this stuff in the past few months as well as the good old Rolf Harris I think being charged as well has been quite hard and interesting.. It has also brought up things which I thought that I had already dealt with years ago. Even after writing my book I thought I was alright or good with it.. Well what happened me was I've been abused by two separate guys on two occasions. I'm not going into details because I've written it my book and I was discussing it with a professional just this morning yet I'll just go into the basics.

The first happened when I was about 3 and a half years old where my parents luckily caught what was happening.... What was really ironic and really weird the guy put on a record of the good old Rolph Harris just as he was doing it... I think the song was 'Jake The Peg'. So little did I know that 25 to 35 years later he's got caught himself doing stuff with little kids...

The second time was at a christian combined church camp with an adult male from the other church and I was only 13 at the time. It was on along weekend as well. The abuse happened twice that weekend which was horrible... I wasn't raped and it was only minor as my parents say. Yet it still did affect me greatly and I don't know why.

The third time I'm not sure about because it was a repressed memory prayer therapy thing and it supposedly happened when I was about 2 years old with another guy. So with that one I have no idea whether or not it did happen. Yet with other 2 they did happen and I remember them...

There's other bits of the story which I don't want to go into as with most things like this it can be quite complicate trying to deal with all this stuff. Yet with the guys or men who abused me they were never reported to the law or police and thus quite successfully got away with it scott free without a care in the world... They never got charged, questioned, interviewed or all that stuff yet still continue to roam this earth free of charge which isn't fair... One of the things that really, really gets me is what if they've done it to other small children over the past however many years and today they maybe continuing to ruin the innocence of beautiful kids. With one of the guys he was surrounded by all these kids who went to church with their families and all the time in the world there where he could've groomed them and do the things abusers do..  Who knows how many of those kids are or have suffered in silence if or when they got abused.. There are all these different, complicated feelings, thoughts and questions which are still valid even today... All these things have been haunting me lately and it has been horrible... I also saw on Facebook last night that another woman is having trouble dealing with issues brought up from this Robert Hughes trial. So I've been figuring that if it hasn't been just me trying to deal with this then other women must be going through similar things as well.. I remember posting info about the trial etc.. on my Facebook also then posting afterward words to the effect of "I saw this very haunting and moving interview last night. If this trial and all the media press coverage on it over the past few weeks brought anything up for people from the past or present... Please don't hesitate to seek help.... You don't have to deal with this alone...."

I'm also saying this now because of this blog post because it could bring issues up for you... Yet pleas remember you are not alone... Sure when I was talking to the professional today and he was asking me a few questions etc... I felt ashamed, guilty and asking myself how I could have stopped it etc.... It was like I was almost like a little kid sitting inside an adults body if you get me...  What has surprised me the most with this is how things have been brought up after so many years. It's not we who should be feeling guilty and shameful yet the perpetrators. One day I hope they will get their justice somehow.... Also by talking out in our recoveries and not being quiet we will hopefully shed light over the darkness of this nation of Australia then eventually the world... No child or person has to live in fear... I want this to be true one day in my lifetime....

Here's some more links if this has brought up things for you...

Adult Survivors Of Abuse

http://laurelhouse.org.au/?page_id=10

http://rainn.org/get-info/effects-of-sexual-assault/adult-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse 

http://aaets.org/article120.htm 

Anxiety And Depression Fact Sheets

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/signs-and-symptoms/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10 

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/depression/whatitslike.cfm 

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/Depression/depressionexplained/index.cfm 

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/signs-and-symptoms 

I've given you a lot of info and hopefully you will find it useful..... Remember you are not alone... No matter what...