Touch

 18/4/2020  2:12A.M.

Imagine A World

Imagine a world

In the near distant future

With no touch allowed

Where distance is the norm

Where tears are unseen

And cries remain unheard

People move away from one another

When you move close your frowned upon

Plastic shields up everywhere

Hand sanitizer, gloves and masks to shop

Getting home wiping items down

Your a leper amongst people...

Both known and unknown

Family and friends alike

Suspicion is everywhere

With a cloud of silent deadly fear

Against a small fatal killer

Spread across the world

Modern day Pandemic

Looking into phones the new handshake

Screentime a hundred percent overdrive

The need to connect 

Deeper then ever

Yet socially distanced..

More like socially isolated

Living alone with me, myself & I

Alone and lonely

No hugs or affection for me

I know people care for me

A screen can't replace a hug

The distance is deeper

Where I'm in a city of people

With touch banned

The starvation is killing me

Weeks of no hugs

No nothing

Never have I felt more lonely

Then over the past few weeks

I love God...

Yet I need any type of physical touch

Surreal slow motion afternoon

The realization hit me like lightening...

Three weeks without any hug 

Or touch from anybody or living thing I know

Tonight is a long night

Where I wish it was a nightmare

Then I realize it's real

Where nothing makes sense

 In this crazy new world

Whoever thought a hug or touch would be a crime?

Only today

Only today

Only tomorrow

Only the future...

 

 

This afternoon have I never ever felt so lonely then going to my local Chemist Warehouse to get a script filled and seeing all the new social distancing there. Big signs and hand sanitizer at the door being handed out. I then left there carefully went to the toliet in the shopping centre there and sat outside for a bit. As I had my cigarette it felt the weight of the world was on my heart and I knew what the true meaning of loneliness was. I felt like going up to someone and touching them in an appropriate way of course. I felt like helping someone. I felt like smiling at someone who needed it. When I could I did try to smile at people and say thankyou. I felt like asking someone a complete stranger for a hug.  I went to Coles did some shopping I needed then I found myself still walking around in a daze trying to remember what I needed. The drive home I chose the quieter and quicker streets because of the state I was in. Reaching home I definitely NOW DID UNDERSTAND how my heart could actually ache so deeply just to be held. With a tension headache to match I walked inside into my unit and it's four walls to greet me.

 

     

  As with everyone I have really been feeling it with this COVID19 / Corona Virus stuff. I've tried to reach out to people yet at the same time be there for people as well. On Facebook I've started a  group called Virtual Hugs For COVID 19/ Corona Virus Times. I just wanted to spread the love and care out there for those that need it because I know how hard it can get living alone. I also sent texts to people to make sure that they were okay as well. I also contacted a few dear, special Christian friends who've haven't really responded that well. I don't know what I've done wrong and it's really confusing. I'm sorry if I've done something wrong without realizing it. I would just love to get it sorted out because I miss them greatly. I miss all my friends greatly and I feel like that I am ON THE OUTER of the circles. Thre still could be other Christian people meeting up in person and it is absolutley breaking my heart. We're meant to be the body of Christ and now more then ever we have to stick together as one and uphold also support eachother as a family. There's a lot of things that I don't understand with my Asperger's and it's so bloody confusing with the double standards sometimes of things.

I've been listening to this beautiful song called " Dreamer" by Toni Childs while writing this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYnKk_RKFpc 

 "NO-ONE KNOW'S THE HEARTACHE OF A SOUL UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH IT YOURSELF" MEGAN HAMMOND

PLEASE NOT IF THIS HAS RAISED ANYTHING FOR ANYONE  PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP TO HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OR A TRUSTED FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER WHERE-EVER YOU ARE.. OR CALL LIFE LINE ON

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Lifeline Australia

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Website: www.lifeline.org.au

A New Diagnosis For Me.

Hello there everyone. You've more than likely noticed that I have been very quiet on "My Life With Asperger's" blog, Facebook page and group. I've been quiet for several different reason's and some have been quite complicated and hard as well. I've been wanting to write on my blog for a long time yet haven't really known how to even start...
I'm starting now because I feel it is important to speak up and help destigmatize a few things which are important. This has been a long and complicated story yet it is my story..
So here it is:
Something happened in September last year in 2019 which really scared me. I was lucky to get out of it without anything worse happening to me luckily. Yet after that I went downhill in a lot of ways and really fast. In early December my treating Doctor officially diagnosed me with PTSD.
If any of you have read my book "My Life With Asperger's" then you know my history of my story.    For those of you that don't know then a long story short is back in my 20's I was involved in a very toxic and very abusive relationship. Domestic violence hit me in the face literally and it hit me for a six. There were a few times where I thought that I would die and feared for my life. Saying that I wasn't perfect either as with most relationships. I acted in ways that I didn't think that I could.. Yet it was mainly out of fear.
 So since that relationship for many, many years until today I was getting flashbacks, triggers, memories, nightmares, avoiding places etc... I also still feel a lot of shame and guilt as well because I kept on going back. I did stupid things because I believed that we could work things out. It was like a battered wife syndrome kind of relationship. I still can't believe that I was in such a relationship. During the relationship I was called a slut and so many other abusive words. Yet a couple of years after I learned that my partner with whom I was living with actually was seeing one or two people behind my back. Basically since my early 20's with that relationship I have been living with undiagnosed PTSD. Also luckily throughout the years I have never run into her anywhere. If I ran into her somewhere I would probably have a heart attack, faint or something. I wouldn't know what to do with myself at all.
After this relationship I was never the same again. I can't describe it yet a part of me has been lost or stolen in more ways then one. The after effects have affected every part of my life in countless ways..
So that's what's happened to me in the last couple of months...

Two Trees - Einaudi cover for harp

A beautiful version of the song "Two Trees" by the amazing Italian composer Ludovico Einaudi. It is originally for piano yet this version is just as heartfelt. It makes you feel a whole lot of different emotions. It take you on to a higher platform as to speak. It's hard to desctribe it in words yet if you love music then you will understand.. Have a listen and enjoy the harp...

Sia - Bird Set Free (Lyrics)

This song says a lot in a lot of different ways. I got this Sia album a few weeks ago because it had a couple of songs that I really wanted and liked.

Yet I discovered so much more with a few of the songs standing out to me. This song was one such song that spoke to me. Last year with all the health issues I was way pushed down... Yet I got through it with God's help...

Joe Jonas - See No More

For some reason this song really resonates with me today.... It's struck cords for me for the last few months and describes me at the moment. At the moment I find it hard to write about how I'm really feeling for some reason.

It's like the words I wrote the other night on Facebook saying "Sometimes words can not be found on a page... Yet they can be found in a heart."

You may have the feeling yet are somehow stuck.. somehow are there for no reason of their own.

The limbo land is messing with your head. Having Asperger's Syndrome makes it harder in these types of situations. Where you don't up from down... Left from right...

Some people have said thing a while ago about my ex that has really beein messing with my head as I don't know if they are true or not... It's a mystery that I can't work out...

Untitled

Sometimes saying nothing hurts

Silence is worse than words sometimes

This limboland 

Which only goes to no-where'sville.

Stuck between a rock & a hard place

Set me free

Communication is best

To let me know

What's going on.

A bird waitng

To fly & find it's wings

Once again

I can see the sky

Yet stuck on the ground

So we shall see what happens.... 

ddd

Faker - This Heart Attack

"This Heart Attack" song says a lot at the moment.. I haven't heard it in years so I thought that I would share it with you guy's .

I haven't written a blog post in some time yet that is another long story there within itself.

Sometimes words can not be found on a page yet they can be found in a heart.............

Something for you to think about...

Roxette - Listen To Your Heart (Etip Dubstep Remix)

This is a very moving version of this song in Dubstep.... Makes me think about things a lot.... It also bring back memories as well...