Letter For Sloane Morton. Part 2.

How are you? It's me again, Megan. When I last was writing to you it was getting a bit overwhelming for me to keep going on writing. I guess that's been the way for everyone who has heard about what has happened to you. Yes I've still been thinking about you and trying to comprehend in my own Asperger's mind what has happened. I guess that your finding it hard to believe what has happened as well. I have no idea what death is like yet I have could have come close a few times. If it wasn't for my long suffering guardian Angel I wouldn't be hear today literally..... Also for the prayers and wishes of heaps of people around me at those times.... For me and I think everyone death is a really big mystery and nobody really knows what the end is or will be like. With you dying Sloane that has made me look at a whole lot of different things and I have come up with different questions as well which I know can't be answered because your not around anymore. I still can't believe this has happened because you seemed so invisible and larger than life in so many way that it wasn't even funny.

Taken In August 2009

One week and two days ago Sloane on the Tuesday was your funeral. Wow.....!!!! What a day that it was!!!..... The Heaven's and skies open up full bore and it was raining cat's and dog's. What I'm trying to say is that it was raining nearly non stop all day. So what I thought that it was like nature was crying it's tears for you because it lost such a big personality. The sun had gone away and wasn't shining  either. On the notice about your funeral it said to maybe get to the church early to get a park. So Deb and I left a bit early to find the streets filled with quite a few cars. The closer we got to the church in the little street there were just cars everywhere so I had to drop Deb off to find us a seat. There also seemed a lot of people outside and walking to the church as well. Anyway I managed to find a park just a couple of streets away and walk there in the rain to the church. I was so glad that I wore my boots to protect my feet from getting wet. Upon arriving at the church I was so surprised to see how many people there were. A young man at the door grabbed my umbrella and said he'll "take care of it."

Taken In August 2009

Walking in the church there were no order of service papers left because they had run out. In the main part of the church it was blocked off because it was filled up as well. I was politely encouraged by this quite big guy to be directed to the hall just a few feet a go. At the time I was remembering that last time I was at that church just a few months before there weren't as many people. Yet walking in I saw a friend of mine who directed me to where Deb was sitting. Right before me was a huge room of people with a great big screen at the front for everyone to see. Sitting next to Deb I was so stunned to see how many people were there at your funeral Sloane. There were people of all ages... from young to old to in between. As we were sitting there they were putting out more chairs in rows and I think people were actually starting to stand. Looking around I saw a few familiar looking faces that I have seen around about over the many years. Sloane you would have been impressed yet also surprised about how many people turned up to pay their respects to you. You at the same time probably would've been disappointed to miss out on seeing everyone. Sloane you knew a whole lot of people and it seemed nearly everyone  turned up. It felt like that we had to share this time with you again Sloane just to "Be together" in our grief and mourning.

I like this..

When the funeral started it was very moving indeed. Again I was wondering if you could hear any of this if your spirit was there? Or whether you were still living through other people's memories? Would you have let out one of your memorable laughs or comments? What you would have thought of the whole thing? These amongst other very silly questions were going through my mind as well as listening and watching the service. Once again there was laughter mixed with tears as well as bittersweet memories of you. You certainly had more of an huge impact on people on around you more than you thought Sloane. I remember in one part of the service I think someone said words along the lines something like "That all that you ever wanted was to be loved by your family and friends."
 When I heard that it struck a chord with me and hit me deeply because sometimes you may have not felt it....Yet it was proved today on that day that people did love and care for you after all Sloane. I know you and I didn't see eye to eye on a few things where we've had some words over the years.... Yes we've had our differences but that's part of life and growing I suppose.With all that I just wanted to say that I have always cared for you and hoped you'd be happy etc... Also that you were having loads of fun with all your traveling adventures all over the world it seemed like. I'd sometimes wonder where you would go to next on your trips? Also who you would go with?
This is going to be a longer blog post then I thought because it looks like that I've got a whole lot to say to you that I never got the chance. I'll try to finish up quickly and try to come back to it later... At some point in the service near the end they showed a picture and music montage of you. I noticed the sound was a bit out of sync with a short video of a dog they showed you playing with it. It was then that I heard a bit of your characteristic laugh which was larger then life. I think sometimes people stopped when they heard it. I'm not to sure if they have done that yet it was part of you.
When it came to the time to take your coffin out everyone stood up in both rooms with your music you liked playing. I wanted to try to go see your coffin been carried out yet by this point there was a whole lot of people near the door way wanting to see it also. I saw a bit on the screen and these people walking past with something. I just had the smallest of glimpse of some flowers which was on top and that was it. After that there was too many people wanting and waiting to get out of the church as well as people talking to each other.  I felt that wanted and needed to see your coffin going into the hearse. It was like I wanted to come to terms with it and to say "Goodbye" in my own Asperger's quirky way. By the time we got out of the building your coffin and hearse had gone to wherever they were going to be driving to. I had and still have no idea where they went  or what happened afterwards... I had a bit of a feeling that I may not get to see your casket or coffin on the way out. So this is maybe a bit quirky yet as I was walking into the church I saw the hearse and I immediately thought that I wanted to take a picture of it for my memories. I thought more than likely that it was highly inappropriate thing to do. Also it was raining quite a bit at the time as well. So instead when I walked past the hearse I touched and put my hand on the car and thought of you. I think I also said a prayer for all family, friends and everyone who was there that day. I strongly felt that I had to touch something real that you were part of somehow just to let you know that I still cared for you as a person. It was my way of trying to say "Goodbye" to you which I and I think nearly all of us didn't get a chance to do.

 Your wake or the gathering afterwards was huge again at North Manly Bowling Club. I'd never been there before and found it was really different. I decided to honour and remember you a have a few drinks of VB Beer  for you. I know you liked drinking that sometimes and your wine as well. I ended up having 3 schooners of VB which was more than enough for me. I'm not used to drinking anymore and I think that I was more affected than I thought. I become more friendly and outgoing when that happens. Deb and I saw more people there that I hadn't seen in ages. It was good to catch up, share and talk to them about things. We stayed there for quite a bit then Deb wanted to leave and do her homemade Ricotta Cheese.
Since then Sloane you've been on my mind on and off and I have found it really strange indeed. From the time of your death I've seen a lot of women who bear some kind of resemblance to you which stops me short. In one instant I think is that you? Then I realize again what has happened. The latest time was driving through Narrabeen on Sunday with Deb to get to my parent place.... I thought I saw you walking along the side of the road with your hair and shape. Then I remembered.... I wonder how other people have been feeling and thinking as well? Whether they have had strange experiences like that?
 That day I was listening to a band called Rufus music CD. They are an Australian band with a type of music which can be a bit hypnotic and the guy's voice is really unique. It's hard to describe the sound yet I like the group and music. Anyway I was listening away thinking of you and other things going on. I was thinking of your travels and how now you don't need to go on a plane anymore to get to places... You can just get there in an instant or a blink of an eye to Bali, Vietnam or Thailand or any other places you wish. Each time I drove past your old haunts of Manly Leagues Club, Dee Why Hotel, Dee Why RSL, Collaroy Ex Servicemans Club I thought of you. Seeing it was a Sunday as we drove past Dee Why RSL I thought of you how you liked going there for the Sunday raffles to try to win things. Oh Sloane the suburbs of the Northern Beaches will be a whole lot quieter without you and you will be missed yet remembered in peoples hearts. I know that you were no angel and didn't claim to be. Yet none of us are perfect in this life and I make plenty of mistakes as well. But with your presence you touched more peoples lives than you ever would know dear Sloane. In our prayers every day Deb and I have been praying for friends, family and everyone that you knew being affected by your death. We've been also praying that something good will come out of this whatever shape or form. When I read at your funeral that your organs had been donated and saved a few lives I felt amazed as well as moved. I realized then that something good is coming out of this for people that you didn't  even know or hadn't even met. Your body is gone yet there is definitely parts of you literally living on helping people every single day for the rest of their lives... Not only that yet because they've got the gift of life from you their live will touch others upon numerous others etc.... What I'm trying to say is like if you throw a stone into a clear ocean it drops down, then you see the ripples forever expanding out into eternity. They keep going until they cross the whole ocean again and touch eachother again.... Yes I know it sounds super spiritual and deep yet that is me.

The Ripple Effect

It's like you've got more family and friend now in your death that you wouldn't expect.. I'm starting to rave on a bit and I'm sorry about that.
7:58pm. I've been writing this for quite a while now while listening to some music by that group Rufus. Also that song I love called "Paris Collides" which I find amazing. I've been trying to find an ending to this post which is sufficient yet am finding it hard for some reason that I can't put my finger on. In actual fact I guess it is still hard to fathom for a lot of people that you are now gone. I guess I amongst everyone else who knew you are in their own processes of grief as well. So Sloane you may hear from me again if I feel that I've got more to say. I guess with your sudden death and with you being around my age it's hit home for people. Yet for the meantime wherever you are please enjoy yourself for you are now totally free from all your cares and worries... Farewell for now.....

Letter For Sloane Morton

Dear Sloane,
How are you? I hope that you are rested and peaceful where you are... It must be a huge surprise for you in a lot of ways for you. You maybe didn't expect it or know that it was going to happen. Yet Sloane you may be aware by now that you are dead, passed away, passed over and all the other phrases that go along with it.
You've been on my mind for the last week or so and I have not known to express it to anyone really. I thought instead I should write a letter and tell you how I've been thinking and what I've been feeling. Last Tuesday afternoon the 29th of January was just a very ordinary summer afternoon where Deb and I were at home... She was looking for work  in the bedroom on her computer and I was out here in the lounge room doing things on my computer.

This was taken August 2009

I'll give you a bit of a background story first before I'll tell you any more. There was just a bit of drama with me as well..... It was strange because over the last few days after boxing day my heart was feeling really funny in a few different ways. It felt like that it was fluttering and felt uncomfortable in a few different ways in my chest. It was a bit scary yet I've had that type of thing quite a few times of the past few years. I had it quite badly a couple of months ago when I was recovering from a bad flu. Anyway my heart was mucking up that day on the Tuesday so at about midday or around that time we went to the Mall Medical Centre where I saw a Doctor. She then sent me to the nurse where I had an ECG where everything seemed to be normal. I just checked the time I had it done and it was at 12:40pm. The Doctor said it was maybe due to stress or anxiety... The Doctor has also given me a referral to a cardiologist that I can get it checked out more fully and better. Come to think of it all this was happening when you were passing away without me knowing it...

My ECG.

Now back to what I was going to say before to you. At about 4:34pm I got a text from our friend Jackie saying that you died. The instant I saw her text I yelled out to Deb in the other room to let her know. Deb came in and by this time I had tears in my eyes. I called Jackie back where we spoke for a bit and she told me what happened. After I got of the phone to Jackie I called our friend Darren who said he was going to go down to Dee Why Hotel right now where everyone else was meeting. I said that we were going to come as well. When we got to the hotel there were a lot if people I knew and also some I didn't know at the same time. There were are few red eyes and tear stained faces yet there was a quiet sombre mood. Something was missing and there was a real air of shock which helped make things more emotional. It was a gathering of people trying to comfort and be there for one another at a time where nothing could make sense of what had happened only a couple of hours ago. It was also very surprising how news could travel so fast on the beaches and up the country. We as people thought and felt that we wanted to share and talk, also to remember you Sloane. I found it so strange because I kept on expecting you to come waltzing in and tell us all it was all a big joke then give one of your big laughs with a smile to match. Yet in reality your body was in some hospital growing cold with no life in it. The stark reality hadn't hit home for us all yet and we were all dealing with our grief in different ways which is normal. I felt that your presence was very strong in Dee Why Hotel and that you were somehow there with us.... Yet you weren't.

This was taken August 2009

One by one slowly we progressed down to Dee Why RSL where a whole group of us all met up at Flames Bar. It was sad yet really comforting at the same time for us all to be all together at this time sharing stories and just talking and catching up. Deb and I had to leave at about 10:40pm because I had quite a bit of a headache yet all the others stayed on later. Coming home that night my mind was everywhere and I was totally shocked. I also remembered when I last saw you and that was down at Manly Leagues Club where I bumped into you in the toilets there. I wasn't having a good day that day and had been crying for most of the day. We had a chat as you were washing your hands and then I went to the toilet. You were talking about a few different things and what was happening. When I was in the stall I heard the door swing behind you as you walked out. At the time I didn't think anything really of it.
Anyhow I have to write you a second part of this letter as my mind is wandering and having trouble concentrating. This is taking more out of me then I thought it would writing this to you. Yet I feel it has to be done so I can let things out... I'll see you in the second half.... Take care until then...