Letter For Sloane Morton

Dear Sloane,
How are you? I hope that you are rested and peaceful where you are... It must be a huge surprise for you in a lot of ways for you. You maybe didn't expect it or know that it was going to happen. Yet Sloane you may be aware by now that you are dead, passed away, passed over and all the other phrases that go along with it.
You've been on my mind for the last week or so and I have not known to express it to anyone really. I thought instead I should write a letter and tell you how I've been thinking and what I've been feeling. Last Tuesday afternoon the 29th of January was just a very ordinary summer afternoon where Deb and I were at home... She was looking for work  in the bedroom on her computer and I was out here in the lounge room doing things on my computer.

This was taken August 2009

I'll give you a bit of a background story first before I'll tell you any more. There was just a bit of drama with me as well..... It was strange because over the last few days after boxing day my heart was feeling really funny in a few different ways. It felt like that it was fluttering and felt uncomfortable in a few different ways in my chest. It was a bit scary yet I've had that type of thing quite a few times of the past few years. I had it quite badly a couple of months ago when I was recovering from a bad flu. Anyway my heart was mucking up that day on the Tuesday so at about midday or around that time we went to the Mall Medical Centre where I saw a Doctor. She then sent me to the nurse where I had an ECG where everything seemed to be normal. I just checked the time I had it done and it was at 12:40pm. The Doctor said it was maybe due to stress or anxiety... The Doctor has also given me a referral to a cardiologist that I can get it checked out more fully and better. Come to think of it all this was happening when you were passing away without me knowing it...

My ECG.

Now back to what I was going to say before to you. At about 4:34pm I got a text from our friend Jackie saying that you died. The instant I saw her text I yelled out to Deb in the other room to let her know. Deb came in and by this time I had tears in my eyes. I called Jackie back where we spoke for a bit and she told me what happened. After I got of the phone to Jackie I called our friend Darren who said he was going to go down to Dee Why Hotel right now where everyone else was meeting. I said that we were going to come as well. When we got to the hotel there were a lot if people I knew and also some I didn't know at the same time. There were are few red eyes and tear stained faces yet there was a quiet sombre mood. Something was missing and there was a real air of shock which helped make things more emotional. It was a gathering of people trying to comfort and be there for one another at a time where nothing could make sense of what had happened only a couple of hours ago. It was also very surprising how news could travel so fast on the beaches and up the country. We as people thought and felt that we wanted to share and talk, also to remember you Sloane. I found it so strange because I kept on expecting you to come waltzing in and tell us all it was all a big joke then give one of your big laughs with a smile to match. Yet in reality your body was in some hospital growing cold with no life in it. The stark reality hadn't hit home for us all yet and we were all dealing with our grief in different ways which is normal. I felt that your presence was very strong in Dee Why Hotel and that you were somehow there with us.... Yet you weren't.

This was taken August 2009

One by one slowly we progressed down to Dee Why RSL where a whole group of us all met up at Flames Bar. It was sad yet really comforting at the same time for us all to be all together at this time sharing stories and just talking and catching up. Deb and I had to leave at about 10:40pm because I had quite a bit of a headache yet all the others stayed on later. Coming home that night my mind was everywhere and I was totally shocked. I also remembered when I last saw you and that was down at Manly Leagues Club where I bumped into you in the toilets there. I wasn't having a good day that day and had been crying for most of the day. We had a chat as you were washing your hands and then I went to the toilet. You were talking about a few different things and what was happening. When I was in the stall I heard the door swing behind you as you walked out. At the time I didn't think anything really of it.
Anyhow I have to write you a second part of this letter as my mind is wandering and having trouble concentrating. This is taking more out of me then I thought it would writing this to you. Yet I feel it has to be done so I can let things out... I'll see you in the second half.... Take care until then...

"Holding The Man" Movie ~ Part One

It's not often that you see a movie that stops you in your tracks and that leaves you so haunted days afterwards. Watching the movies only a couple of rows back from the screen everything seemed so much larger then life that it was nearly unbelievable. It was just an ordinary Tuesday night at the Dendy movie cinema in Newtown where I got free tickets from the Showfilm First company. I met Deb in the city because she was coming from her first day at work so we could see the 6:30pm showing of the movie. We had a bit of Thai food nearby and was only about 5 minutes late for the movie yet it had already started by that time because by the looks of it I don't think it had any previews. We walked into a totally packed theatre where we just managed to find a couple of seats the second row back from the  screen.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3671542/

 Over the next couple of hours we were transported back into a time where the worlds and gay history was changing forever. Where the age of innocence was gone forever and where gay men  were eyeball to eyeball with death. Also how an innocent and free teenage love evolved with an adult backdrop of a rapidly changing times with parents, friends, families, schools, Catholic church etc were dealing with the boy's sexuality yet the spectre of AIDS as well. We were like a fly on the wall being let into the lives of these boy's who once lived, breathed, felt and ultimately fell in love and somehow stayed in love over the next 15 years despite separation, differences of life's ups and downs. During the movie I found myself crying with such a heartfelt pain and sadness because things were coming up for me from my past. Deb was crying as well next to me because we were both so very moved with the movie.

It also showed that despite both the boys imperfections and flaws especially Tim's wayward ways there still was a such a strong yet tender bond. Also to have an insight into what both of the boy's families was going through and feeling was also amazing as well. I wondered to myself how the parents and families felt seeing the two guys going through this. To see a once healthy person get sicker and sicker being terminally ill to eventually die. What made it even more sad was how young they both were at the time this happened. Yet you also had to remember these types of stories of young people were being repeated many thousands of time the world over. Not only the gay men yet the people who had blood transfusion's and other innocent people as well who didn't ask to get it in the first place.

What also made you think was how it gave you a really honest account of what the gay man scene  was really like in those days where there was so much sleaze an promiscuity. I'm not to sure how much has changed these days there in the scene yet all this type of thing is a whole other subject which I don't want to go into. When I was watching the movie I wondered what drove these guy's to do what they did? What attracted them to that? Why even with a committed relationship they still had a roving eye? Amongst so many other unanswered questions..

Anyway there is still so much to say about this movie and my feeling for it yet I will share more later. I've got things I've got to do today so this is why I've decided to do this blog in two parts... Yet I hope that this makes you think... Until later dear readers.....

Remembering David 'Davey' Woodcock

 P.S. Sorry about using the same photo over in the blog yet I don't have any others on my computer.
Over the past two weeks or so it has been hard for both family and friends across Australia. In all of our lives so much has happened really quickly and it has been hard to comprehend a lot of it as well. On Facebook I have been making references like "My cousin's son...." just to let people know what was going on yet trying to keep private at the same time. I also do appreciate all the care and concern that my family and I have had on Facebook as well over the past couple of weeks as well.  In fact he had a very strong English sounding name which was David 'Davey' Woodcock. With his first name it had a lot of meaning because he was named after my very much loved Uncle David. The family just call him Uncle Dave and he is such an amazing guy. The name Woodcock is a good unique name as well which I like. I must admit I don't know the origin of it yet must find out.

At this moment my mobile phone has died and run out of battery charge so I unable to check the dates exactly. I also don't have my charger with me here yet that's okay. Okay I will try to do a reverse chronologically  of the past two weeks so please bear with me.... Last Friday was Davey's funeral/cremation/remembrance service. A week before on the Wednesday he lost his valiant and strong battle. On the Saturday morning a few days before I found out from my parents he was gravely ill and they only found out before on the Friday night. Also Davey got married on the Thursday or Friday of that week. When I get my phone charged I will add the proper dates in okay... Yet to put it simply it has taken less than two weeks for it to all unfold.

For me I have had a real big variety and mix of reactions to the news of Davey dying with one varying to a real extreme reaction to it. The person who I told basically didn't want to hear anything at of of the bad news I had just received went off and bought herself a beer and spoke to the bar staff for about five minutes just leaving me there. She then came back and wanted to talk about other less important things. I was devastated nearly in tears and she started talking to other people there so I just left quietly. With that was a loss of a friendship and also serious threats for my safety, car and unit which hasn't been nice at all. I've also had amazing impressive reactions from other family and friends as well as from people that don't know me that well. On Facebook and other friends around me they have all been totally supportive which has been fantastic. I do thank everyone for their concern for the whole family and I. With my Asperger's and ADD it has been up as well as very down at this time for me being so far away from Western Australia and the rest of my family. We all so much wanted to be over there yet couldn't go because of the expenses and it being a long way over to get there. Yet we were all over there in spirit and love.

I remember one of the last times I saw David was in Western Australia when I was there on my last holiday at one of the kids birthday parties. It was a spring day yet it decided to be very cold for me that time. I wasn't feeling very well yet I did take quite a few different photo's of the day and met quite a few few different people as well. It was still good to be around my family that day with my cousin Sue a very proud Grandmother doing things in the kitchen. It was good to talk to David and everyone else as well which I liked. One of the only regrets of that day was I wish I was feeling a whole lot better yet I can't change the past. Yet what I remember of David throughout my life was that he had an adventurous cheeky soul who liked a good laugh. I also remember when he gave me a lift to a bus station to go up to see my uncle Dave that we had a good catch up talk then as well. For whatever reason I wasn't feeling well that morning either yet it can't be helped. Anyway we were in the car for about one hour to an hour and a half talking and catching up which was excellent. I remember thinking that he had the most beautiful soft eyes and his gentle caring nature.  He still loved his cars and mechanical things like his father as well. Yet also very intelligent as well. Words aren't coming easily for me at the moment because I would have like to have seen him and my Western Australian family more. It feels like that all My life I have left my heart in WA although my body has been living in NSW and the "Eastern States" for years.  I've still got the Kalgoorlie red dirt in my veins and the winds of Esperance running through my hair... A true West Aussie even though I was born over here.

In Davey's last days none of the family over here including me couldn't go because of the reasons that I said above. Yet during those hardest day's I went up to my parents to be around them and share with them what was happening. I couldn't physically be there to say goodbye to Davey yet he did get all our wishes and love which was great. I was as close as I could be in spirit. Davey told my uncle Dave that when he died he wanted to come back as a Wedgetailed Eagle. For those of you that don't know that eagle is a typical Australian, West Aussie outback bird. It is also a very strong, powerful and amazing animal. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedge-tailed_Eagle

Last Friday when the final service was on my family over here and I found it hard. I've also been remembering at this time that it's just not me yet everyone else in the family going through this as well. That week I kept on wanting to jump on a plane to get over there in time for the funeral yet had not way of doing it. Acceptance has been hard for me on that respect yet that's life. One day I do plan to go back to WA visit my family and give them all very huge bear-hugs including his sister and say my own farewells  to this amazing young man called David 'Davey' Woodcock. May you rest in peace with your spirit living and flying on like a Wedge-tailed Eagle over the Australian landscape. You will always be loved and remembered.....