Another Funeral...

This was written on 14/03/2016.

Last month Deb and I had another no so pleasant surprise. One early evening she was checking her Facebook messages when she  came across on that stopped Deb in her tracks. An old friend contacted her saying that a gay guy she knew died through committing suicide. The man who contacted Deb about this also let us know when the funeral was being held. The news was a big shock to Deb  and was totally unexpected.

We decided that we would go to the funeral even though it was way out west and a long drive to pay our last respects to him. With the week leading up to the funeral we had quite a few things going on yet the day quickly approached. I remember thinking that it was so strange that a friend of hers has died in February and how the month before we went to a funeral which was a real surprise for everyone involved.

 Friday had come and it turned out to be a really hot day weather wise. I decided to drive with the directions that I had printed out from Google. We were cutting it a bit fine and were going to get there on time... Then we got lost due to the directions not being clear and  what the actual places looked like. Driving a couple of kilometers of track I stopped and looked up the directions on my phone. It felt strange because it was the second time that week that we needed my phone for directions. We also realized at that point in time that we needed to buy a Navman or GPS thing for the car to help us... To cut the story short after the directions and managed to cross a very busy 6 to 8 lane road we found the place. After a false start of going to a wrong chapel and asking the main office we did find the right chapel. By this point I felt so bad because we were running late all because I got us late.

We both walked into the chapel to see how packed out it was with all his friends and family everywhere. Their were no seats left and people were standing listening to the service. Yet we went through the back and Deb's friend gave up his seat for her. Looking around I saw a huge variety of people from different backgrounds and age groups.

Down the front of the chapel was the coffin laid on adorned with memento's. Listening to the people speak like and also some family members moved everyone to tears. At one point in the funeral that called everyone up that wanted to give a flower up to the front to put on the coffin. The piece of music they decided to play for this part always deeply moves me. It was from that amazing movie called "The Piano". The piece was called  Michael Nyman - The Heart Asks Pleasure First 

  (With having Asperger's I was so very tempted to take a few pictures very subtly to keep as memories. Yet I didn't do it because Deb would not have wanted me to. It took a whole lot of self control. ) Slowly people started coming up starting with the family. Deb went up then another of her friends went up with her as well. It was at this point that I had a few tears myself seeing this outpouring of emotions with people saying their goodbyes to this man in their own ways.There was even a chocolate bar up there which I found interesting and unique. We spoke to the guy's sister who after the funeral and she told Deb that "She was on of his 'Handpicked' friends." Meaning that she was special to him.

Afterwards we went to the wake or gathering at some beautiful Italian type of food place out west. Basically it took up the whole afternoon where we were stuck in traffic for nearly two hours coming back. We also had a birthday party dinner thing we had to go to as well that night. After that we didn't get home until really late at night. It was a really emotional and exhausting day for both of us because I was the one who did all the driving.

With going to that funeral Deb and I were affected by that because it showed us that sometimes in life there are surprises... You may not know what another person is dealing with like depression or emotional pain.

Pleas if you or anybody else around you is struggling please contact Beyond Blue, Life Line or any other organization that can help wherever you are...

Beyond Blue
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Lifeline
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/

Mental Health in America
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help

More Helplines
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

General Hotlines
http://blog.justaskinnyboy.com/hotlines

Every life is precious including yours.... So please seek help...

Dealing With My Depression

Over the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more depressed because of a few reasons. Each day seemed to be getting worse until last week on Tuesday night it got to be totally unbearable. Also my parents have been away for the past couple of weeks with their work which can't be avoided. What was more annoying was you can't contact their mobile phone over there. I texted my brother who was busy until after Easter which wasn't good. Also I texted this christian family who happened to be overseas in New Zealand on holidays. All types of thoughts were going through my head that I hadn't had in a long time and they were scaring me a lot.

I was alone in my unit trying to keep it together yet couldn't for what ever reasons. As a last ditch effort to reach out I remembered my ex who once said that if needed I could contact. Yet at the same time my ex for whatever reason has decided no contact with me. So I swallowed my pride and sent a text early in the morning to say how bad I really was and needed someone to talk to. I was hoping to get a phone-call back so I wouldn't feel so alone. Yet no phone-call or text message came and I felt even more alone then ever.

Not only had I lost my ex yet I have lost the friendship as well which has been hurting like hell. For five years of knowing each-other it is like I have lost my best friend whom I have ever had.
I've been trouble understanding it and my Asperger's has been getting in the way as well. It feels like a death and I have been floundering... I hate the thought of not seeing some-one that I care for never ever again. I was brought up to believe that good friends can always work things out no matter what! For me "Anne Of Green Gables" really strikes a chord with me of how close Anne and her friend Dianna are like 'Kindred Spirits'. For me it was like my friend and I were like awesome kindred spirits. It was like we were a real blessing for one another in a lot of ways.

I wonder if having Asperger's you feel things more deeply when it has to do with losing people who were really close to you. Or trying to understand loss and grief? I know that I really do appreciate people like the friendship I've lost. Also there a some other people who I feel close to also but it is rare for me. At the moment I feel like I can't really trust people any more and I don't want to get hurt again. It feels like there's a person shaped hole in my heart where this friendship once was. Can anyone else identify with feelings like that? At the moment I'm having trouble dealing with my depression yet I'm still trying to step forward everyday. I know that this post doesn't really have any answers yet it is just the way I've been feeling at the moment....For a while I've been thinking about doing a post of or called "Loss Of A Friendship!" yet been in two minds.... I suppose this is the closet as I have got to it. Yes sometimes I feel it is better to let things out then to hold things in....So I hope that this does help some how in someway that it can be good to say things the way they are.....
Until next time.......Cheers and take care!