Over the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more depressed because of a few reasons. Each day seemed to be getting worse until last week on Tuesday night it got to be totally unbearable. Also my parents have been away for the past couple of weeks with their work which can't be avoided. What was more annoying was you can't contact their mobile phone over there. I texted my brother who was busy until after Easter which wasn't good. Also I texted this christian family who happened to be overseas in New Zealand on holidays. All types of thoughts were going through my head that I hadn't had in a long time and they were scaring me a lot.
I was alone in my unit trying to keep it together yet couldn't for w
hat ever reasons. As a last ditch effort to reach out I remembered my ex who once said that if needed I could contact. Yet at the same time my ex for whatever reason has decided no contact with me. So I swallowed my pride and sent a text early in the morning to say how bad I really was and needed someone to talk to. I was hoping to get a phone-call back so I wouldn't feel so alone. Yet no phone-call or text message came and I felt even more alone then ever.Not only had I lost my ex yet I have lost the friendship as well which has been hurting like hell. For five years of knowing each-other it is like I have lost my best friend whom I have ever had.
I've been trouble understanding it and my Asperger's has been getting in the way as well. It feels like a death and I have been floundering... I hate the thought of not seeing some-one that I care for never ever again. I was brought up to believe that good friends can always work things out no matter what! For me "Anne Of Green Gables" really strikes a chord with me of how close Anne and her friend Dianna are like 'Kindred Spirits'. For me it was like my friend and I were like awesome kindred spirits. It was like we were a real blessing for one another in a lot of ways.
I wonder if having Asperger's you feel things more deeply when it has to do with losing people who were really close to you. Or trying to understand loss and grief? I know that I really do appreciate people like the friendship I've lost. Also there a some other people who I feel close to also but it is rare for me. At the moment I feel like I can't really trust people any more and I don't want to get hurt again. It feels like there's a person shaped hole in my heart where this friendship once was. Can anyone else identify with feelings like that? At the moment I'm having trouble dealing with my depression yet I'm still trying to step forward everyday. I know that this post doesn't really have any answers yet it is just the way I've been feeling at the moment....For a while I've been thinking about doing a post of or called "Loss Of A Friendship!" yet been in two minds.... I suppose this is the closet as I have got to it. Yes sometimes I feel it is better to let things out then to hold things in....So I hope that this does help some how in someway that it can be good to say things the way they are.....
Until next time.......Cheers and take care!
It's always painful when we lose a friend or a relationship. I am a bit like you in that I always think that people should be able to work anything out. But people do drift apart or fall out and the best thing to do is let them go, as painful as it can be. I always keep my happy memories and try to appreciate what I had. New friendships and relationships will come along, it's all a part of the journey. And I know especially when you feel most depressed it can seem you are totally alone, but it's important to remember, you're not. Even when you can't find or talk to the people you are close to. I have been in the doldrums and can honestly say it gets easier with time. So find a happy distraction and bide your time. Thanks for posting. :) It's good to know I'm not the only Aspergers girl going through all these things.
ReplyDeleteI have lost several friends over the past four years, some of them to death, others to miscommunications/misinterpretations. I understand the value of friendships. If it wasn't for my closest friend, I would not be alive after dealing with five funerals in three years. And I lost that friendship less than two months ago to miscommunication. Having Asperger's Syndrome as well, I have noticed that I tend to take things much more personally than most people. After the first death, I came across as completely stoic to everyone but my closest friends. I have talked about friendship/community/connections extensively in my personal blog on LiveJournal, and several of them deal with the depressing aspect of losing someone close. A couple of posts that might be of interest to you are "So Close is the End" (url= http://fr-zatchary.livejournal.com/1557.html) and "Like a Memory Tossed" (url= http://fr-zatchary.livejournal.com/1557.html). Both deal with the loss and grief that comes after death, but rereading them, I realize that they apply to losing close friends too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. My son was diagnosed with high functioning autism and we speculated that it was Asperger's one Doctor thought it might not be, however, the more we talk with Doctor's and read about it it appears that he is in this area. There's healing in writing and talking about your feelings so for what it's worth continue to write regardless of what others say or even if no one responds. We all deal with loss differently and yet I know that Autism and Asperger's syndrome can add to this human emotion that is experienced. No one can tell you how you feel. Even if we try to give advice, we're not you so it is only consolation and support that we offer. I know you know to continue to pray as God is with you and cries when we cry and is overjoyed when we are overjoyed. Thank you for your posts.
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