Thursday, April 28, 2011
Dealing With My Depression
Over the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more depressed because of a few reasons. Each day seemed to be getting worse until last week on Tuesday night it got to be totally unbearable. Also my parents have been away for the past couple of weeks with their work which can't be avoided. What was more annoying was you can't contact their mobile phone over there. I texted my brother who was busy until after Easter which wasn't good. Also I texted this christian family who happened to be overseas in New Zealand on holidays. All types of thoughts were going through my head that I hadn't had in a long time and they were scaring me a lot.
I was alone in my unit trying to keep it together yet couldn't for what ever reasons. As a last ditch effort to reach out I remembered my ex who once said that if needed I could contact. Yet at the same time my ex for whatever reason has decided no contact with me. So I swallowed my pride and sent a text early in the morning to say how bad I really was and needed someone to talk to. I was hoping to get a phone-call back so I wouldn't feel so alone. Yet no phone-call or text message came and I felt even more alone then ever.
Not only had I lost my ex yet I have lost the friendship as well which has been hurting like hell. For five years of knowing each-other it is like I have lost my best friend whom I have ever had.
I've been trouble understanding it and my Asperger's has been getting in the way as well. It feels like a death and I have been floundering... I hate the thought of not seeing some-one that I care for never ever again. I was brought up to believe that good friends can always work things out no matter what! For me "Anne Of Green Gables" really strikes a chord with me of how close Anne and her friend Dianna are like 'Kindred Spirits'. For me it was like my friend and I were like awesome kindred spirits. It was like we were a real blessing for one another in a lot of ways.
I wonder if having Asperger's you feel things more deeply when it has to do with losing people who were really close to you. Or trying to understand loss and grief? I know that I really do appreciate people like the friendship I've lost. Also there a some other people who I feel close to also but it is rare for me. At the moment I feel like I can't really trust people any more and I don't want to get hurt again. It feels like there's a person shaped hole in my heart where this friendship once was. Can anyone else identify with feelings like that? At the moment I'm having trouble dealing with my depression yet I'm still trying to step forward everyday. I know that this post doesn't really have any answers yet it is just the way I've been feeling at the moment....For a while I've been thinking about doing a post of or called "Loss Of A Friendship!" yet been in two minds.... I suppose this is the closet as I have got to it. Yes sometimes I feel it is better to let things out then to hold things in....So I hope that this does help some how in someway that it can be good to say things the way they are.....
Until next time.......Cheers and take care!